


Modern Tragedy

by Andrea250



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: AU, Angst, Depression, Depression comes in many forms, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jung Yunho is trying, M/M, Self-Harm, Shim Changmin is trying, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-08 22:33:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18904006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andrea250/pseuds/Andrea250
Summary: "...this is a modern tragedy, it is not one he could live through."Rated M:DepressionSelf-harmtalk about Suicide





	Modern Tragedy

 

 

 

 

 

**_ Song: Despicable- By: Grandson _ **

**_ 3rd Person's P.O.V:  _ **

"I wish you could see the stars that shine for you and how much I burn and crave for you, it is a need, no loner a want." He holds him tighter to his chest.

"I wish I could understand these demons that plague your mind, that I could be what you need, it terrifies me." he cries for the broken boy in his arms.

"I am so tired Yun." Changmin cries.

"I know Min, it is okay not to be okay and I love you... please stay with me." He knew it was too much to ask for.

"I don't know if I can." His mind clouded again.

"Go to sleep now, it is okay I will be here." The older male kisses the crown of the scared boy.

"If I were you... I wouldn't love me neither." Changmin let out a tiny whimper

They lay on their shared bed as the night drowns on trying to process the argument that took place earlier, it was one that Yunho ponder on as he did not know the extent of what was really going on with his boyfriend.

_**2 hours earlier:** _

_ "Changmin!" He yelled from the kitchen. _

_ Only silence fills the room and Yunho wonders what is going on. _

_ "Min!" he calls out again and again met with a noisy silence. _

_ He decides to wait for a bit before calling out again, maybe he is in the restroom or in their room fixing it for the 50th time. He does not bother for a while and does not wonder what is taking Changmin forever but does not push further too concentrated on the task of dirty dishes. _

_ He decided to finish it first than go get Changmin from where ever he is hold up in, it was odd today, Changmin is odd today but he did not tread on it for long as everyone has their off days, it was no different. At least he thought so... _

_ "What are you doing Min?" Yunho went cold at the site. _

_ The younger male was standing in the bathroom with a knife against his wrist and they look deep but not enough to kill him. _

_ "One day, you will understand." Changmin bitterly smiles. _

_ "Stop it." He starts from the palm of his hand and a straight line up but did not get far when Yunho grabed the knife out of his hand. edging the blade into the palm of his hand cutting his own hand in the process. _

_ "Give it back!" Changmin tries to grab it and no luck. _

_ "No!" He makes a move to and shots like a bullet from a barrel to the living room before Changmin can gain balance. _

_ "Why?" He _

_ "I'm doing you a favor." Changmin felt the storm within tear and chip away at his depleting heart. _

_ "That is not a decision for you to make!" He yelled at the broading male. _

_ "You will never understand Yunho and that is why." His words full of hate and anger. _

_ "Changmin, I am sorry if I can't but please things..." He did not get to finish. _

_ "Don't fucking say that things will get better! Look at the bright side or I have so much to live for Yun, it is a lie and you know it!" He lost control of his temper. _

_ "You can say that so freely and smile like the world isn't going to shit!" Yunho could feel the anger radiate. _

_ "Changmin not everything is as it seems. You will get through this just please, it is okay." wrong answer. _

_ "Fuck!" He burst in outrage. _

_ "I am not okay and I am sick and tired of everyone telling me that it will. I don't know how fucking hard it is to understand that, it is not easy to live and to fucking smile all the god damn time! I feel like the asshole cuz I am depressed or mad, it is my fault in the end!" Changmin grabs the lamp and throws it at the wall. _

_ "Please calm down before you hurt yourself." He is afraid for his lover. _

_ "Don't tell me to calm down... I am sick of all the calm down! Don't tell me there is nothing wrong. Don't do that to me!" Changmin couldn't feel anything. _

_ He felt suspended in time, one minute there the next gone and he didn't know when or what exactly happened, it was all a blur. _

_ "I am despicable!" Changmin felt the rage roar from his chest. _

_ "Stop it Min!" Yunho felt fear run through his veins. _

_ "I am fucked up.... Yun. You on the other hand have so much to live for, that is why it will never work." He felt his heart reeling from his own words. _

_ "You are not Min." Yunho tried to tell him but it fell on deaf ears. _

_ "You will never understand, it is my fault for thinking you could." Tears fall down his face. _

_ "You will never know what it is like to look into the mirror and feel disgusted!" Changmin goes off. _

_ "I am up at some fucking o'clock at night cuz every time I close my eyes... I dream of dying and I am not even scared. Or how my mind is whispering to me that this won't be long! I lose nights to the voices in my head and their vile words of comfort." Changmin breaks a frame. _

_ "I cry in the shower so you can't hear me. I lied, when I say I got shampoo in my eye cuz I don't want to worry you. I hate that I can't voice my feelings without thinking how much it would pain you or someone close. It hurts!" Yunho could see the inner struggle going through Changmin's eyes. _

_ "I am in a battle for my own life and some days I feel my insides being ripped apart and painfully resembled. I have to live through hell and no one else can see it but me... I am in a power struggle with myself and the shadow that occupies my mind, it wants me gone and some days I do too. " He gasps for air. _

_ "I start to see darkness and I don't even know if I will be here tomorrow or next month. I feel so numb that any other emotion is like a distant memory that I can't even remember, it is impossible to get up without feeling like the world is going to end... I am in a state like dream and I can't decipher reality!" Yunho wants to hold him but right now the younger male is unreachable. _

_ "I am stuck between wanting to be alone or wanting someone! I feel like crying is a weakness and I deserved everything I get cuz I was not a good person or competent enough, it is one hell of a fucking emotional toll on my mind and body but I can't find a way out!" Changmin slumps to the ground in exhaustion. _

_ "I hurt cuz it is the only thing reminding me I am still alive Yun... I am littered with scars that have stories of their own and I carry them like shame. I feel ugly when I see them but it is a reminder to do better cuz I wasn't strong enough!" Yunho walks a bit forward. _

_ "I am drowning in a sea of misery but I don't even know that, it is hard, I am lost inside my head wishing I was dead! I can't live inside this mind anymore cuz every day becomes a struggle to survive, I feel like I am drowning in quick sand, it is a nightmare!" He presses his knees to his chest as he starts to hyperventilate. _

_ "I can't do this anymore! I feel like I am letting down everyone by just breathing and that life would be better for everyone if I died... No one would care if I live or died! I can't take another step and I am afraid but life goes on with or without me" The younger male not realizing the tears that decorate his face. _

_ "Changmin, if you die... I would feel a piece of me die." Yunho does not approach the broken boy on the living room floor. _

_ "You deserve better than a shell of a person that once existed." He tries to smile at his hyung but even that is exhausting. _

_ "I don't deserve nor want your love anymore cuz all I bring is pain and sorrow." The older male felt his heart collapse at the defeat in his boyfriends words. _

_ "I am not searching the sky for a reason to live... there is no hope in this hell and no one is going to tell me there is a way out cuz the tunnel keeps getting further and further away. I am tired." Changmin sighs. _

_ "Changmin, you have your family, friends, even your co-workers, and most of all ME! I love waking up every morning with you and arguing over marvel comics, our Sunday morning yogo treats, or how we sit under the stars and talk for hours on end. I would go crazy if I couldn't have you here, it would be lonely, very lonely and you would miss out on some of the best moments of life and a life we could build together." Yunho goes to him. _

_ "Don't tell me what I have to live for... don't make me want it again! " He whimpers and the older male takes his sobbing boyfriend in his arms. _

_ "I don't want you to leave me." Yunho holds back his tears. _

_ "But I can't stay here either, not anymore, it is the end for me Yun. You deserve someone better than I could have ever been... I am doing you a favor. I'll love you then I will leave you, it will have to end at some point." Changmin lays his head on the crook of the older male's neck. _

_ "Until then just hold on Min... hold onto me and I promise you that I will hold you when you are down and kiss away your worries and be on your side. Don't worry about me Min and if it will be too much. I need to know when life gets too much and you need to run away." Yunho runs a caring hand down the broken boy's back. _

_ "I am proud of you... I am so fucking proud of you for trying even when it is too much. You will never have to be alone just let me in and help me understand. It's okay not to be okay but tell me when and I won't say a thing. I will be here for you!" He can feel the younger male's breathe even out as exhaustion takes over. _

_ "Hyung, it is too much of a burden, I would make you hate me and even if you stayed who would carry you?" Changmin could not allow such a lonely fate for his hyung.  _

_ "I have you and you have me." Yunho smiled that smile that could make a heart bloom with life.  _

_ "What if I can't?" Changmin sniffled.  _

_ "I just need you to live, not for me but for yourself." the older male did not know what else to say.  _

_ "I am so tired." Changmin did not know how to live.  _

_ "I know." Yunho could see the flames exhaust in the deer eyed boy's eyes. _

_ "Let's go to bed." He picks up his boyfriend bridal style and takes him to their bedroom. _

**_*End of flashback*_ **

"It comes in waves and I allow it to bury me, it is easier not to fight anymore. Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me wish I was dead." Changmin breaks the silence.

"Whatever doesn't kill you, it better run like hell." Yunho would make sure of it.

"Life is shit Yun." Changmin said tiredly.

"Yeah, life is, it really is." He agrees.

"Thank you." Changmin falls to sleep.

All he could is be there and accept his reality and not deny it cuz to Changmin that is real and that must scare the shit out of him. He would try to understand what cause Changmin these awful thoughts and night terrors that made him so scared of his own shadow, it was his duty as his hyung to be the one to protect him.

He couldn't be able to let the younger male go, it would be his fault that he couldn't save his boyfriend from such fate, the hardest part would be goodbye and he isn't ready for that and he never would and he will do everything in his power to keep Changmin here.

Yunho heart broke "You will never see your worth Min and that is sad." He cried for the boy with empty eyes.

Changmin cried for the man that would give up his own life for him, it made him even more guilty. How could he be so selfish to take that and live knowing his lover is suffering at his cost, it was not a life he could or would live! He rather die before letting his hyung suffer for him, this is a modern tragedy, it is not one he could live through. 

** _-The End_ **

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I am sorry this is sad... I wrote this a long time ago and finally publishing it. I tend to not write much sadness as Homin is my happy place away from problems I personally suffer and deal with. But I wrote this cuz my brain does not know how to cope in a healthy way but writing is a safe place. 
> 
> Lastly....
> 
> Please if you are struggling... talk too someone anyone please! This world is not better off without and I love you all, please know that I might not know any of you but I still love you and accept you for everything! ❤❤❤


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